The Shape of Things to Come

The final week of December always finds me in hopeful anticipation of the year to come. This year is no different, except, this year I find myself more excited about the prospects of what's to come than ever before. For the first time in a very long time, I feel as though I have a sense of direction and purpose in life. No longer are the days of barely making it out of bed and just floating through the days. Before I was merely existing - now it feels more like actually living. And, I must admit, it's a darn good feeling!

Not that this past year was bad, mind you, I'm certainly a lot better of than many, many people in this world. And 2009 did have some very good happenings. I made some wonderful new friends this year, thanks to my newfound addiction - Twitter. And by the inspiration and encouragement of these new friends I also came upon a new hobby - writing, including this blog!

So now on to 2010! I'm usually not big on making resolutions, because I never stick to them. But this year, I've decided to look at resolutions in a different way. Instead of setting myself up for failure by making likely unkeepable promises, I've decided to concentrate on small things, two actually - that I think I can actually do.

In a previous post, I resolved to accept compliments when given, and not constantly whine about how I'm not worthy of such praise. I've been working on that one for the past few weeks, and it's going well so far.

My second resolution for this year is to pay closer attention. Too often, I become ensconced in my own head and within my own little world and miss what's going on around me. It's not even just big world events that seem to escape me, sometimes it's just in regular conversation. Perhaps, I'm trying to do too many things at once and am not really the master multi-tasker I envision myself to be. Whatever the reason, I'm going to really put forth the effort to pay closer attention to the world and people around me.

Seems relatively simple and manageable, and a bit like I have very low expectations of myself. So, in addition to those little resolutions, I think I should also have some plans and goals for the upcoming year.

Compliments, Whining and a Resolution!

It was recently brought to my attention that I seem to find difficulty in taking compliments. It's true, I do, I always have. Well, maybe not always. It is yet another effect that the anxiety disorder has heaved upon me. One that I've begun to find very irritating.

I mean really, what is so hard about just saying "Thank you" and going on my merry way? Nothing, I tell you! Nothing at all! It's not difficult, I just make it that way.

Inside my head I hear all the wonderful comments and truly sincere sentiments being sent my way and inexplicably determine myself to be unworthy of such praise. Why? Who the heck knows, I certainly don't.

That may not be entirely true...I do know a bit about the why. What for some may be a joyous thing, having someone tell them of their glory, is for others a glaring reminder of broken self-esteem.

To not be able to see in oneself what others seem so easily to find is utterly frustrating. And really rather stupid, if you think about it, which I have been.

Therefore, I have decided it's time to do something about this irritating character flaw. And what a perfect time of year to begin this quest for self-approval!

I've never really been a person who makes a New Year's resolution, as I never found it necessary to add something else that would go undone to my list of things to do. However, as this seems more 'doable' than promising not to buy things I don't really need, I'm optimistic that I will stick to it.

So after reading this, if you are one of those lovely people who says something complimentary to me and I begin to whine about not being worthy, just tell me to shut up!!

The Perplexing Nature of Retail Therapy

With yesterday's arrival of my shiny new netbook also came a noticeable elevation in my spirits. After my happy high following the writing of my short story came a sudden sinking into an odd type of sadness. I call it an odd type of sadness because it's really not sadness at all, but it's rather difficult for me to accurately explain and sadness seems the closest logical description. I suppose numbness would be a better fit, for really during these dark times I don't feel much of anything at all.

Anyway, I won't go into all the sad and whiny talk about that. However, a thought occurred to me as I gleefully unwrapped my new toy: Is this really all it takes to make me happy?? Is this why I have so much stuff, because I simply purchase my way to happiness?

It's true, I do tend to shop more when I'm feeling down, and sometimes it does make me feel better, but not always. No, sometimes the retail therapy binges cause me to feel even worse, especially when I actually take a peek at the bank account to see exactly how much I've spent. So, I had to ask myself, why the heck do I do this??

I really don't have the answer. I suppose I do it because even if it's fleeting, that small happiness that comes with getting a shiny new toy or article of clothing (not shiny), or a lovely pair of shoes (possibly shiny) is something I want. It's just so easy to point and click and have a magical brown package arrive at your doorstep three to five days later. And yes, it makes me feel good.

I do, however, take heart in the fact that shopping is not my only source of happiness found. There are plenty of other things in my life that produce happiness for me. The usual things, family, friends,and the fact that I have a job I like and that supports my sad shopping habit are all things I am blessed with and very happy to have.

But when I'm in a down cycle I generally like to be alone, and when I'm alone I like to go online, and invariably when I'm online I like to peruse online shops.

Mind you, I do not always purchase something. Luckily, the anxiety disorder takes over before any large purchases. At which time I will then spend three to four days immersed in research of the object of my desire until I know exactly which one is the best to get. Sometimes during this time the impulse to buy whatever it is goes away. Sometimes, research is joined with rationalizations about why I need a particular item.

Case in point, the nifty little netbook I am now using to write this blog post. Did I necessarily need a netbook? No. Did I think I needed a netbook? Not really. Did I come up with fantastical reasons why I did actually need a netbook? Why, yes, in fact I did. Do I now adore the little netbook and never want to be parted from it? I truly hope I'm not that much of a nutter, but I do really like it. :)

Perhaps I just lack sufficient self-control, which would go with all of the other self lacking issues I seem to have. That's a story for another day.

Today, I'm a happy girl. And right now that's enough for me, even if that happiness came courtesy of a package delivered by the UPS guy.