Can I Get Off this Roller Coaster, Please?

Two Thousand and Eleven has been a bit of an up and down year so far.

Professionally, I've made great accomplishments, but now find myself in the stagnant position of hoping a teaching job comes along. Up and now down.

Personally,it's been a roller coaster, and not one of those fun, laughter-filled, exciting rides at the amusement park. No, this has been a rather up and down hell that you only can hope will at some point come to an end. With super high highs and really low lows. Up and down, up and down, etc...

So why didn't I just get off the ride, so to speak? It's a question I've been asked and have even asked myself. I never had an answer...until yesterday...HOPE.

I've been clinging to this hope that no matter what was happening or what my brain was thinking, that roller coaster would end - that I would find the calm and solid ground of a non-roller coaster existence (it doesn't really exist).

Maybe I'm just weak-willed for placing my faith in hope and not charging ahead and doing something more proactive or active or even reactive. But then, sometimes some things aren't in our control, even as much as we would like them to be. And no matter how hard you try, complete control over everything or anything just isn't to be had.

Life will always be filled with ups and downs, highs and lows, crests and troughs, peaks and valleys (so many ways to say it, oh my!) different and alike. That's just how life is, and honestly, it'd be pretty boring if it was always just happy times and smooth sailing. We need those lows to maintain balance and to learn and grow from those experiences that shape our lives.

So no matter how low things may get, I always have hope that it will all work out in the end. And it usually does. One way or another. :)

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

I have always been rather painfully indecisive. People used to joke and say it was because I'm a Libra - and maybe it is - though I never put much stock in astrology. I've also been told it's part of anxiety - the fear of making the wrong choice tends to leave one unable to make any choice. That sounds a bit more like something I can relate to!

Obviously, this does not mean I cannot make any decisions ever, that would be more than a bit absurd. I do make decisions on a daily basis, though they are rarely ever life impacting decisions. Those are the ones I stumble with - the decisions that when made will change something about my life.

My usual method of coming to such a decision is lists - lots and lots of lists. Pros, cons, maybes, what ifs, everything gets written down and analyzed beyond all normal thinking. I ask for advice from those I trust. I over think, to the point of exhaustion and annoyance. In the end, even with all the lists and thinking until I want to scream and the helpful or not so helpful advice of others - I still can't decide what I should do.

THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY. I want few things more than I want to be a person who just goes for it (whatever it may be), a person who just makes those snap decisions and takes a leap of faith that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. Mostly, I want to be able to trust that I am capable of making a good decision, the right decision for myself. Wouldn't that be nice!?!

I've got some decisions to make, and I can already tell my over-thinking brain is kicking into gear. Maybe this time - I'll take that leap of faith, go with my gut and be done with it.

That's a decision I'll have to make when the time comes. :)