Stranger in a Strange Land

Having said all I said in the previous post, I have found myself now entering the strange land of adulthood in respect to relationships. At 31 now, I realize I'm a bit late to the adulthood party, but better late than never, I suppose.

This past week has seen the very worst parts of me come into light as my brain kicked into people-pleaser mode and I attempted to be someone I'm not. There are times when I want so badly to make other people happy that I do and say things that I may want to be more true than they really are. As you can probably guess, this almost ALWAYS ends badly, with more hurt than would have come about had I just been honest in the first place.

Normally at this juncture of pain and hurt feelings, I would cut and run, so to speak, believing the other person much better off without me. And honestly, feeling relieved at having extricated myself from a situation of conflict. Then would come the rationalization for my abhorrent behavior: It wouldn't have worked out anyway, so you've just saved yourself and the other person pain and heartache later on.

As I attempted to cut, run and rationalize myself out of my current situation, something rather strange occurred. A thought actually: what if instead of all that, I actually acted a bit more like the adult my age reflects.

It turned out to be not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, perhaps owing to the fact that the other person in the situation was more lovely and understanding than I likely deserved.

So, here I am both feet firmly placed in the land of adults and adult-thinking, embarking on a fun new adventure of sorts. I have no idea where I will end up in this new strange territory, and honestly, that really scares me a bit. But, for the first time I'm actually looking forward to seeing what will come.

Hearts and Minds

I've always thought of myself as a pretty good friend. I genuinely care about the people I am lucky enough to call friends, and want the very best for them. I try to be there whenever needed for whatever purpose. It makes me happy to do so.

A good girlfriend, I am not. Honestly, relationships sort of scare the crap out of me. I can be happily going along in a flirty bliss with someone and then the second the "R" word is mentioned I completely shut down. I go a little nuts, to be exact.

I suppose that's why I've always preferred to be on my own. I like my life, I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I've never felt like I needed to get married and have kids to be happy (although it would most definitely make my mother happy).

Perhaps that's why relationships freak me out so much, I'm just afraid of losing myself in another person. I'm afraid that I will have to sacrifice parts of myself that I really don't want to. It's likely unfair of me to think that another person would want me to sacrifice parts of myself for a relationship, but that's just the way my mind works.

This rather annoying character trait is often at odds with my heart. Many times, I've found myself in the beginning of something that seems completely wonderful and exactly what I want, only to then be inundated with thoughts of all that's wrong about the situation or how I feel.

Like so many other things about this brain I've been strapped with, it's completely frustrating and I'm trying to work through it.

Hopefully one day I'll get it right and for once my mind won't sabotage whatever my heart desires.