I've always thought of myself as a pretty good friend. I genuinely care about the people I am lucky enough to call friends, and want the very best for them. I try to be there whenever needed for whatever purpose. It makes me happy to do so.
A good girlfriend, I am not. Honestly, relationships sort of scare the crap out of me. I can be happily going along in a flirty bliss with someone and then the second the "R" word is mentioned I completely shut down. I go a little nuts, to be exact.
I suppose that's why I've always preferred to be on my own. I like my life, I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I've never felt like I needed to get married and have kids to be happy (although it would most definitely make my mother happy).
Perhaps that's why relationships freak me out so much, I'm just afraid of losing myself in another person. I'm afraid that I will have to sacrifice parts of myself that I really don't want to. It's likely unfair of me to think that another person would want me to sacrifice parts of myself for a relationship, but that's just the way my mind works.
This rather annoying character trait is often at odds with my heart. Many times, I've found myself in the beginning of something that seems completely wonderful and exactly what I want, only to then be inundated with thoughts of all that's wrong about the situation or how I feel.
Like so many other things about this brain I've been strapped with, it's completely frustrating and I'm trying to work through it.
Hopefully one day I'll get it right and for once my mind won't sabotage whatever my heart desires.
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4 comments:
You really need to stop writing my posts for me, my love.
Well said. I have no doubt that when and if the time is right for you, things will fall into place as needed. You will understand when you find someone you want to be with - despite anything your brain might say, because it will know too. (If that makes any sense)
I think there's truth in the idea that the thrill is in the chase, and all is done once you're caught (And yes, I'm paraphrasing Agatha Christie in Doctor Who)There's an element of fantasy, and an element of "what if?" that reality tends to not generally have once it has descended.
I for one hope to be a fabulous spinster. ;) All the single ladies, put your hands up, indeed. But a ring on it? Meh.
Oh, dear.
I understand what you mean. You just haven't met the person at the right time for you. When you do, all those other thoughts will be banished.
As Nic said, your brain AND your heart will agree.
BUT saying that, there is also a "leap of faith" sort of thing that has to happen in any situation.
The R word doesn't mean the end of who you are. It's not a sacrifice. It's a sharing.
Fabulous spinster? Great idea from Nic!
"He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened." - Lao Tzu
By the sounds of this post, you're only a step or two away from enlightenment.
People normally expect people to "find happiness" in a relationship. I've often found that people who look to others for happiness tend to find something else. From this post, you seem like someone who is happy with how your life is at the moment. The last thing you need is for someone to change that. However, don't run the risk of allowing yourself to pass up the opportunity to share your happiness with someone else.
My philosophy is that the "R" word should be a way to augment your sense of self rather than lose yourself in another person but, then again, I'm still single with no real prospects of changing that fact. As Marisa said, it's not a sacrifice but a sharing. It's just case of finding the right person to share with who will reciprocate in a way you find satisfying.
You sound like a VERY good friend!
Again, I feel a connection with you and the way you describe your philosophies regarding friendship.
I tend to prioritise friendship above self benefit!
Regarding relationships, I can completely empathise with your reactions. However, in this respect I approached relationships differently.
I never avoided relationships; though I neither did I casually enter into any.
In fact, flirting and dating aside, I have only ever had 2 proper relationships!
I am a very open and approachable person, though I keep my emotions well protected!
When I finally met the woman I would marry, I DID notice a difference to any that had been before.
She complemented my character. When I was sombre she would shake me out of it, She is the only woman I feel completely at ease acting the goof in front of!
I had spent many years lamenting the absence of finding true love. In retrospect; I think I over obsessed about its absence, tending to blame myself as the cause.
The only advice I can offer is do NOT obsess about such things, as that will only draw more attention to it!
I believe that you are a fantastically open and warm person.
When you are ready, the feelings of reticence will diminish and you will find relationships less daunting.
Try not to have too many expectations of your ideal relationship, as that creates more likelihood that you will not find it! This I can tell you, from experience, is difficult!
All of this is easy to say, not so easy to practice!
Try to just let things happen, rather than encourage them to happen!
Never forget the randomness of life! It could all click into place tomorrow!
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