Stranger in a Strange Land

Having said all I said in the previous post, I have found myself now entering the strange land of adulthood in respect to relationships. At 31 now, I realize I'm a bit late to the adulthood party, but better late than never, I suppose.

This past week has seen the very worst parts of me come into light as my brain kicked into people-pleaser mode and I attempted to be someone I'm not. There are times when I want so badly to make other people happy that I do and say things that I may want to be more true than they really are. As you can probably guess, this almost ALWAYS ends badly, with more hurt than would have come about had I just been honest in the first place.

Normally at this juncture of pain and hurt feelings, I would cut and run, so to speak, believing the other person much better off without me. And honestly, feeling relieved at having extricated myself from a situation of conflict. Then would come the rationalization for my abhorrent behavior: It wouldn't have worked out anyway, so you've just saved yourself and the other person pain and heartache later on.

As I attempted to cut, run and rationalize myself out of my current situation, something rather strange occurred. A thought actually: what if instead of all that, I actually acted a bit more like the adult my age reflects.

It turned out to be not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, perhaps owing to the fact that the other person in the situation was more lovely and understanding than I likely deserved.

So, here I am both feet firmly placed in the land of adults and adult-thinking, embarking on a fun new adventure of sorts. I have no idea where I will end up in this new strange territory, and honestly, that really scares me a bit. But, for the first time I'm actually looking forward to seeing what will come.

Hearts and Minds

I've always thought of myself as a pretty good friend. I genuinely care about the people I am lucky enough to call friends, and want the very best for them. I try to be there whenever needed for whatever purpose. It makes me happy to do so.

A good girlfriend, I am not. Honestly, relationships sort of scare the crap out of me. I can be happily going along in a flirty bliss with someone and then the second the "R" word is mentioned I completely shut down. I go a little nuts, to be exact.

I suppose that's why I've always preferred to be on my own. I like my life, I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I've never felt like I needed to get married and have kids to be happy (although it would most definitely make my mother happy).

Perhaps that's why relationships freak me out so much, I'm just afraid of losing myself in another person. I'm afraid that I will have to sacrifice parts of myself that I really don't want to. It's likely unfair of me to think that another person would want me to sacrifice parts of myself for a relationship, but that's just the way my mind works.

This rather annoying character trait is often at odds with my heart. Many times, I've found myself in the beginning of something that seems completely wonderful and exactly what I want, only to then be inundated with thoughts of all that's wrong about the situation or how I feel.

Like so many other things about this brain I've been strapped with, it's completely frustrating and I'm trying to work through it.

Hopefully one day I'll get it right and for once my mind won't sabotage whatever my heart desires.

One of Them

I'm lucky to have had some wonderful friends in my life. I've also had some pretty crappy friends in my lifetime, but I think most can people can say that. And seeing as they were crappy, we're just going to forget about them, for this post is about the good ones.

Even though these people were all very good friends, I always had this nagging feeling that they really just didn't "get me" completely. To be honest, I generally put this down to the fact that I can be cautious when sharing what I'm thinking. I love these people dearly, but I often feared their reactions to what was going on in my brain. I just never felt comfortable enough to share it all with them. Whether or not they would have had adverse reactions to my nonsense, I don't really know, and perhaps it is a disservice to them that I never tried.

In any case, my mind believed that perhaps there just weren't people out there that I would ever truly think "got me".

My mind was wrong.

It was a sunny day in August, I think. (Okay so I don't really know if it was sunny, but it was August so odds are it was. I'm also really hoping it was actually August and not July, if it was, I apologize for not remembering correctly.) Anyway, on this particular day (it was a Tuesday, that I know for a fact!), I was participating in this thing called #turnthepage Tuesday, where you recommend books to others. I was pretty new to Twitter at this point, and really hadn't engaged with a lot of people yet (I'm a bit shy). However, as I looked over the recommendations from people I'd never met, one jumped out at me immediately. It was a recommendation for "The Picture of Dorian Gray", one of my favorite books.

I honestly cannot tell you why, on that day, I decided to forgo my usual self-imposed invisibility and send a message to this particular recommmender. But, I can honestly tell you, it's one of the best things I've ever done.

The lovely lady, that for some reason I was compelled to reach out to has become one of the most important people in my life. And even though I've never actually met her, (I truly hope someday I will), I feel a camaraderie with her unlike any I've really known.

She has been there to listen to my endless whining, to talk me down from my overthinking, panicky moments, and to just be a friend when I felt like hiding from the world. Her bravery, strength and endless eloquence have all inspired me in countless ways.

I've met many wonderful people through this curious thing known as Twitter, and I truly believe that one of them is a person who actually "gets me".

Her name is Nicole. And, I only hope that I have been as good a friend to her as she has been to me.

Par Avion

I love spas. I love everything about spas. I even love how they smell of tranquility as soon as you walk in the doors. It's an oasis of relaxation amidst a crazy world. I try and go a few times a year when things get a bit out of sorts.

It often happens this time of year. January in Ohio is cold and gray. Like most people I find cold and gray to be a bit depressing. I'm not nearly as affected by it as some, but I do get the normal winter blahs. January also happens to be the month when we hit the midpoint of the school year, and that means paperwork, lots of paperwork. I really dislike paperwork!

At any rate, I made a comment a week or two ago about needing a spa day. Apparently, I wasn't the only one in need of a spa day because I heard from several people! One that really piqued my interest was a Twitter follower (thank you @pontecarloblue!) who sent me a link to a place she said she thought she needed a week at - The Hill That Breathes. Mere words cannot describe how much I want to go to this place!

I would gleefully sign up for any of the programs (there's even a writing one!) that The Hill offers. However, the one I think I need the most is the "F**k-It Week". That sounds like pure bliss.

I've never been good at saying 'no'. I like the people around me to be happy, so more often than not, I find myself taking on things I really don't have the time or energy to do. Add to that the fact that my body doesn't deal well with stress and you've got the reason I need to try and say those two little words! :)

As I don't actually live in Italy and I can't just drop everything and go, I'm not getting there anytime soon. Imagine my happiness to find that they released the main ideas of the retreat in a book! I've never really been a big fan of the self-help book, as I sorely lack the discipline to actually follow-through on anything I've read. But I thought, what the heck, let's give it a try!

So off I went to see if I could find this magical book locally. Well, of course not, that would be far too easy. Turns out the little book I desired won't be available in the U.S. until July. Those who know me know that I'm not nearly patient enough to wait until July. Luckily for me, it's almost just as easy to get something from a far away land as it is to get something from down the street.

The book arrived today in a neat little white package. In the corner there's a sticker. I'm betting you can guess what the sticker says. Par Avion. Thank you Air Mail. :)

A little side note: For those of you keeping track in mine and V's blog challenge, I've included links to your right ----> to all of our posts, and I will do my best to keep it current.

Thanks :)

Born To Run

I'm a runner...in every sense of the word.

Firstly, in the physical sense, I love to run. My mind can often be my worst enemy, a cruel and spiteful voice screaming from within. No one has ever been meaner to me than I have been to myself (well, maybe a few people). Likewise, no one has ever thought worse about me than I do (except possibly that guy from 2001, but that's another story).

The point is, I'm exceedingly hard on myself and more often than not I find myself in a battle to understand that I'm not nearly as terrible as I think I am. This is when I love to run the most. There is something a bit euphoric about having a clear mind, free from the constant deluge of harrowing thoughts. And that's what happens when I run. It's a peaceful bliss I rarely find elsewhere. It's also a nice escape from screaming children and blocks being bounced off one's head. I love my job, but it can be complete torture even on the best of days!

The second type of running I do isn't anywhere near as good as the first. In fact, it's often the cause of those evil thoughts that spur me to clear my head. I run from conflict - all kinds of conflict. Apparently when my DNA was being formed those thirty-one odd years ago the fight part of my fight or flight response was misplaced. (If anyone reading this is in possession of my fight response, I'd love to have it back, thanks!)

I do not deal well in conflict situations at all. When conflict strikes in a relationship, I tend to bolt. I can't get away fast enough. I'm not sure if it's because I'm always embroiled in conflict with myself that I just don't have the energy or will to duke it out with others, or that I'm just a bit weak. My evil mind would likely choose the latter, well, because it's evil like that :).

It's this second type of running that has inspired this blog post.

These past few weeks I have encountered a bit of conflict in the world of Twitter, a place I have come to consider a normally happy part of my life. There are some persons who apparently thrive on causing conflict and spewing hatred. It's easy enough, I suppose, to say vicious things to people you cannot actually see, to hide behind the anonymity of a computer screen.

So the other day when an 'attack' of this nature occurred to myself and a lovely friend, I did what I always do...nothing. I quietly hid and watched it all horrifically unfold.

I cannot tell you how angry this made me at myself, how that little damning voice inside my head screamed at my cowardice.

The next morning, I went for a run...

...And Found

My writing brain was lost.

I had intended to write about my goals for the new year. That didn't happen. Not that I don't have any, that post just sort of got lost somewhere in my brain. In fact, my entire zest for writing got lost too.

It's been an odd few weeks. I had thought that the momentum I had gained during the last months of 2009 would carry on through to this year. But it didn't.

I've always been the type of person who functions better on a schedule. When the holidays hit I get a lovely long vacation from work, which means a vacation from my normal routine as well. And this is where things started falling apart. You'd think with all the spare time on my hands, I'd use it to write, but I didn't. Instead, I spent my days being lazy and doing holiday stuff.

It was like the writing area of my brain just shut down for a vacation itself. Even when I sat down to do some writing, my mind was just not in it. I had several supportive and inspirational conversations during this lulling period, which I truly appreciate! (You know who you are!) And finally after much whinging and carrying on, I spat out a blog post the last week of December.

I thought then that my writing brain had finally reemerged, I even had ideas for a follow-up post. I even went so far as to title that post Part I, virtually forcing myself to return in short order and continue writing. And again, it didn't happen.

Two weeks into 2010 and I started to worry I would never find the words to start writing or blogging again. It was completely frustrating. I had enjoyed the act of writing so much just a few short months ago and now it was just something else I had failed to continue with. (Which is a whole other issue as those who know me or have read previous entries in this blog can attest.)

What was it going to take for me to snap back into the happy world of writing?? Turns out, it took a challenge!

My previous post is entitled "The Shape of Things to Come". It also happens to be the title of an episode of LOST (a show I LOVE). A dear friend recently did a post entitled, "The Beginning of the End", also the title of a LOST episode. After jokingly commenting to each other about our choice in blog post titles, she suggested a challenge to see how many of the episode titles we could manipulate into blog posts. My initial response: that would mean I'd have to actually blog. Something I hadn't done in weeks. Something I was growing more and more frustrated by. But wait! Therein lies part of the challenge!

So, I accepted! And here I am two days later blogging away! And really enjoying it!

Stay tuned for more entries in the R and V's LOST Title Blog Challenge AND check out V's entries at http://darknessdisgrace.blogspot.com/

The Shape of Things to Come

The final week of December always finds me in hopeful anticipation of the year to come. This year is no different, except, this year I find myself more excited about the prospects of what's to come than ever before. For the first time in a very long time, I feel as though I have a sense of direction and purpose in life. No longer are the days of barely making it out of bed and just floating through the days. Before I was merely existing - now it feels more like actually living. And, I must admit, it's a darn good feeling!

Not that this past year was bad, mind you, I'm certainly a lot better of than many, many people in this world. And 2009 did have some very good happenings. I made some wonderful new friends this year, thanks to my newfound addiction - Twitter. And by the inspiration and encouragement of these new friends I also came upon a new hobby - writing, including this blog!

So now on to 2010! I'm usually not big on making resolutions, because I never stick to them. But this year, I've decided to look at resolutions in a different way. Instead of setting myself up for failure by making likely unkeepable promises, I've decided to concentrate on small things, two actually - that I think I can actually do.

In a previous post, I resolved to accept compliments when given, and not constantly whine about how I'm not worthy of such praise. I've been working on that one for the past few weeks, and it's going well so far.

My second resolution for this year is to pay closer attention. Too often, I become ensconced in my own head and within my own little world and miss what's going on around me. It's not even just big world events that seem to escape me, sometimes it's just in regular conversation. Perhaps, I'm trying to do too many things at once and am not really the master multi-tasker I envision myself to be. Whatever the reason, I'm going to really put forth the effort to pay closer attention to the world and people around me.

Seems relatively simple and manageable, and a bit like I have very low expectations of myself. So, in addition to those little resolutions, I think I should also have some plans and goals for the upcoming year.