The Curse of an Anxious Mind

I've been receiving loads of encouragement from my Twitter pals regarding my novel adventure, as well as this here blog. As I was reading through these uplifting tweets, the thought occurred to me that these lovely people think more highly of me and my abilities than I do. After that rather depressing realization, I started trying to deduce when this descent into the depths of low self-esteem began. Surely, I haven't always been this way. Surely, it hasn't always taken the kind words of others to make me think I can accomplish something. Right? Thankfully, the answer is no; it hasn't always been this way.

If I'm being honest, and really what's the point of not being honest, I do have an idea of when the slide into self-deprecation got underway. A few years ago, well not really a few anymore, about six now, I went through a rough spot. Nothing catastrophic, no one died, nothing really bad happened at all. I just started questioning myself, second guessing my choices, actions and motives. I never felt as though I was doing the right thing, making the best choices, making those choices for the right reasons. And it scared me, terrified me really, that I was ruining my life because everything I did just seemed wrong. It was maddening and it soon started to affect me physically.

The physical manifestations of my contemplative self-torture turned out to be a blessing in disguise. After several doctor visits for skull splitting headaches, insomnia and this nervous feeling that would not go away, I was informed that I, in fact, suffered from an anxiety disorder. Hurrah! This madness had a name and a treatment! Wait, not so fast. Several treatments, actually, and none with a guarantee. I'd have to try several, and I mean several, before one actually worked.

In the end, I did find one that worked. The combination of a magic pill and talking about those things that scare the crap out of me. I no longer second guess all my choices, although it takes me an immense amount of time and thought before making a big one. I no longer constantly worry that everything I do today will negatively affect me tomorrow. I do, however, still not see myself as that person who can do anything I set my mind to, and I do still worry about what others will think of the things I do.

Apparently, the path up out of the pit of self-condemnation is a bit longer than the one going down.