Just Another New Year's Post

Looking back over my previous post, I can't really help but laugh. In the months since, that particular roller coaster has completely flown off the tracks, crashed and burned into a fiery demise. And that pretty much sums up my 2011! I'm sure there were high points, every year has to have high points, right? At this particular reflective moment I'm hard-pressed to come up with any. It was a year of self-doubt, stagnation and feeling rather lost most of the time. That's really no way to live.

So, like many other people, I'm sure, I am looking forward to 2012 saying it's going to be better. Whether it really will be or not, I haven't a clue. What I do know is that it's going to be the year of ME.

This year I'm going to focus on getting myself together, so to speak. I'm going to try very hard not to get lost in other people, where I've spent most of the last two years. It's time to focus on moving myself forward and making my way to a life fulfilled.

For those who know me, they will know that I have some sort of plan to make this happen. I'm all about the making of plans! Sticking to them, not my strong suit, so that's definitely one of the things I'm going to be working on in the coming months.

I take heart in knowing I'm not going this journey of self-discovery and self-correcting alone, as my dear friend, who my recent reconnection with has given uncountable good things, is coming along for the ride whilst on her own journey of self sorting! Hopefully together we can help each other get things in order.

Also, no matter what else happens, I know that I'll accomplish at least one thing this year that I've been wanting to do for a while and that is actually meet that dear friend in person - so 2012 is already looking loads better than 2011 just for that alone! Roll on April!

So, here we go, another year. Let's get this one right, shall we?

Can I Get Off this Roller Coaster, Please?

Two Thousand and Eleven has been a bit of an up and down year so far.

Professionally, I've made great accomplishments, but now find myself in the stagnant position of hoping a teaching job comes along. Up and now down.

Personally,it's been a roller coaster, and not one of those fun, laughter-filled, exciting rides at the amusement park. No, this has been a rather up and down hell that you only can hope will at some point come to an end. With super high highs and really low lows. Up and down, up and down, etc...

So why didn't I just get off the ride, so to speak? It's a question I've been asked and have even asked myself. I never had an answer...until yesterday...HOPE.

I've been clinging to this hope that no matter what was happening or what my brain was thinking, that roller coaster would end - that I would find the calm and solid ground of a non-roller coaster existence (it doesn't really exist).

Maybe I'm just weak-willed for placing my faith in hope and not charging ahead and doing something more proactive or active or even reactive. But then, sometimes some things aren't in our control, even as much as we would like them to be. And no matter how hard you try, complete control over everything or anything just isn't to be had.

Life will always be filled with ups and downs, highs and lows, crests and troughs, peaks and valleys (so many ways to say it, oh my!) different and alike. That's just how life is, and honestly, it'd be pretty boring if it was always just happy times and smooth sailing. We need those lows to maintain balance and to learn and grow from those experiences that shape our lives.

So no matter how low things may get, I always have hope that it will all work out in the end. And it usually does. One way or another. :)

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

I have always been rather painfully indecisive. People used to joke and say it was because I'm a Libra - and maybe it is - though I never put much stock in astrology. I've also been told it's part of anxiety - the fear of making the wrong choice tends to leave one unable to make any choice. That sounds a bit more like something I can relate to!

Obviously, this does not mean I cannot make any decisions ever, that would be more than a bit absurd. I do make decisions on a daily basis, though they are rarely ever life impacting decisions. Those are the ones I stumble with - the decisions that when made will change something about my life.

My usual method of coming to such a decision is lists - lots and lots of lists. Pros, cons, maybes, what ifs, everything gets written down and analyzed beyond all normal thinking. I ask for advice from those I trust. I over think, to the point of exhaustion and annoyance. In the end, even with all the lists and thinking until I want to scream and the helpful or not so helpful advice of others - I still can't decide what I should do.

THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY. I want few things more than I want to be a person who just goes for it (whatever it may be), a person who just makes those snap decisions and takes a leap of faith that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. Mostly, I want to be able to trust that I am capable of making a good decision, the right decision for myself. Wouldn't that be nice!?!

I've got some decisions to make, and I can already tell my over-thinking brain is kicking into gear. Maybe this time - I'll take that leap of faith, go with my gut and be done with it.

That's a decision I'll have to make when the time comes. :)

The Nightmare of Nightmares

Nightmares. Apparently, everyone has had a nightmare at some point. They're pretty common, I'm sure. However, when you combine a nightmare with an anxiety disorder, it's a whole other story.

I seem to have nightmares all the time. Some are worse than others. I've had the nightmare that rips you from your sleep, covered in sweat and feeling like your heart is about to leap right out of your body. Not fun. I've also had the nightmare that you wake slowly from and can almost feel yourself pulling away, which adds a whole new level of eery discomfort to the experience. Not fun.

It's hard to imagine anything worse than those two options, but for me, there is. Of course there would be. I don't know if it's the anxiety disorder or I just have a very odd brain, but I do have a third even worse kind of nightmare. It's the nightmare within a dream. It's bizarre. This nightmare begins like any other does, normally it's pitch black and no lights seem to work, I panic and so on...normal nightmarish stuff, and then I wake up. Well, that's not so weird, you might be saying, but wait, there's more. After waking up from this particular dream of not such fun stuff, I actually realize I'm still really sleeping. And I yell at myself to wake up, and I mean yell, screaming at the top of my dream lungs to make my real self wake up...eventually I do. It is the most unsettling, awful feeling.

I'm not sure if anyone else ever has those - no one I've specifically asked ever has. I don't know why I have them. I wish I didn't.

As you might guess by the timing of this post - it's currently 3:32 am - I had a nightmare tonight. Lucky for me it was a #2 type dream. Not as bad as the others, but still NOT FUN. Sigh.

(Not exactly the post I had planned for my return to blogging, but then things don't always go to plan, sometimes life and nightmares just happen.)

Returning

Hello Readers!

It's been QUITE a while since I've updated this little blog, so I thought I'd come back and give it a fresh start, so to speak. I need to get back into writing, putting down thoughts. It's been something I've missed doing, but have just not had the time to do.

Quite a bit has happened in the past year and some odd months, mostly me being in school to obtain new certifications for teaching. There will be more on that to come later, and also more about a new project I'm doing related to that! Exciting, I know! Ha!

There will also be more to come on my adventure with anxiety, as much has happened on that front as well (no more meds for me, yay!). And also just more randomness from my crazy life.

So stay tuned, if you like!