I've been receiving loads of encouragement from my Twitter pals regarding my novel adventure, as well as this here blog. As I was reading through these uplifting tweets, the thought occurred to me that these lovely people think more highly of me and my abilities than I do. After that rather depressing realization, I started trying to deduce when this descent into the depths of low self-esteem began. Surely, I haven't always been this way. Surely, it hasn't always taken the kind words of others to make me think I can accomplish something. Right? Thankfully, the answer is no; it hasn't always been this way.
If I'm being honest, and really what's the point of not being honest, I do have an idea of when the slide into self-deprecation got underway. A few years ago, well not really a few anymore, about six now, I went through a rough spot. Nothing catastrophic, no one died, nothing really bad happened at all. I just started questioning myself, second guessing my choices, actions and motives. I never felt as though I was doing the right thing, making the best choices, making those choices for the right reasons. And it scared me, terrified me really, that I was ruining my life because everything I did just seemed wrong. It was maddening and it soon started to affect me physically.
The physical manifestations of my contemplative self-torture turned out to be a blessing in disguise. After several doctor visits for skull splitting headaches, insomnia and this nervous feeling that would not go away, I was informed that I, in fact, suffered from an anxiety disorder. Hurrah! This madness had a name and a treatment! Wait, not so fast. Several treatments, actually, and none with a guarantee. I'd have to try several, and I mean several, before one actually worked.
In the end, I did find one that worked. The combination of a magic pill and talking about those things that scare the crap out of me. I no longer second guess all my choices, although it takes me an immense amount of time and thought before making a big one. I no longer constantly worry that everything I do today will negatively affect me tomorrow. I do, however, still not see myself as that person who can do anything I set my mind to, and I do still worry about what others will think of the things I do.
Apparently, the path up out of the pit of self-condemnation is a bit longer than the one going down.
Monday, November 9, 2009
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4 comments:
I suppose it's better to think you're worse than you really are than to think you're better than everyone else, eh? I'm glad that you were able to share this; it could not have been easy, even when writing comes easier than talking.
Knowing how devious and detrimental anxiety can be, I think you have overcome one of the biggest hurdles: recognizing it for what it is. Again, it doesn't make things easier, but it does offer that light at the end of the tunnel, as it were.
At the very least, when you're doubtful, we know you're great!
Great blog, Robin! I think friendly words are essential to wellbeing and can help counteract the critical internal messages we carry. I'm thrilled you're writing - looking forward to seeing your book on Amazon...
I belong to the group that thinks HIGHLY of the things you do!
That pesky internal voice has to be ignored. It's meanly mischievous as it tries to cause anxiety and indecision. Tamp it down. That's very hard to do. I know that very well. But do it we must.
Remember all we can do is help each other through all the madness and wonder of life.
And keep on writing ;)
P.S. And wait for Lord Likely to come to his senses about us!!!
It never ceases to amaze me how periods of doubt can lead to great accomplishments. Although the little devil that tries to drag us down is always there, you have several people who think the world of you on Twitter and that counts for a lot.
Keep writing!!
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