The Nightmare of Nightmares

Nightmares. Apparently, everyone has had a nightmare at some point. They're pretty common, I'm sure. However, when you combine a nightmare with an anxiety disorder, it's a whole other story.

I seem to have nightmares all the time. Some are worse than others. I've had the nightmare that rips you from your sleep, covered in sweat and feeling like your heart is about to leap right out of your body. Not fun. I've also had the nightmare that you wake slowly from and can almost feel yourself pulling away, which adds a whole new level of eery discomfort to the experience. Not fun.

It's hard to imagine anything worse than those two options, but for me, there is. Of course there would be. I don't know if it's the anxiety disorder or I just have a very odd brain, but I do have a third even worse kind of nightmare. It's the nightmare within a dream. It's bizarre. This nightmare begins like any other does, normally it's pitch black and no lights seem to work, I panic and so on...normal nightmarish stuff, and then I wake up. Well, that's not so weird, you might be saying, but wait, there's more. After waking up from this particular dream of not such fun stuff, I actually realize I'm still really sleeping. And I yell at myself to wake up, and I mean yell, screaming at the top of my dream lungs to make my real self wake up...eventually I do. It is the most unsettling, awful feeling.

I'm not sure if anyone else ever has those - no one I've specifically asked ever has. I don't know why I have them. I wish I didn't.

As you might guess by the timing of this post - it's currently 3:32 am - I had a nightmare tonight. Lucky for me it was a #2 type dream. Not as bad as the others, but still NOT FUN. Sigh.

(Not exactly the post I had planned for my return to blogging, but then things don't always go to plan, sometimes life and nightmares just happen.)

Returning

Hello Readers!

It's been QUITE a while since I've updated this little blog, so I thought I'd come back and give it a fresh start, so to speak. I need to get back into writing, putting down thoughts. It's been something I've missed doing, but have just not had the time to do.

Quite a bit has happened in the past year and some odd months, mostly me being in school to obtain new certifications for teaching. There will be more on that to come later, and also more about a new project I'm doing related to that! Exciting, I know! Ha!

There will also be more to come on my adventure with anxiety, as much has happened on that front as well (no more meds for me, yay!). And also just more randomness from my crazy life.

So stay tuned, if you like!

Stranger in a Strange Land

Having said all I said in the previous post, I have found myself now entering the strange land of adulthood in respect to relationships. At 31 now, I realize I'm a bit late to the adulthood party, but better late than never, I suppose.

This past week has seen the very worst parts of me come into light as my brain kicked into people-pleaser mode and I attempted to be someone I'm not. There are times when I want so badly to make other people happy that I do and say things that I may want to be more true than they really are. As you can probably guess, this almost ALWAYS ends badly, with more hurt than would have come about had I just been honest in the first place.

Normally at this juncture of pain and hurt feelings, I would cut and run, so to speak, believing the other person much better off without me. And honestly, feeling relieved at having extricated myself from a situation of conflict. Then would come the rationalization for my abhorrent behavior: It wouldn't have worked out anyway, so you've just saved yourself and the other person pain and heartache later on.

As I attempted to cut, run and rationalize myself out of my current situation, something rather strange occurred. A thought actually: what if instead of all that, I actually acted a bit more like the adult my age reflects.

It turned out to be not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, perhaps owing to the fact that the other person in the situation was more lovely and understanding than I likely deserved.

So, here I am both feet firmly placed in the land of adults and adult-thinking, embarking on a fun new adventure of sorts. I have no idea where I will end up in this new strange territory, and honestly, that really scares me a bit. But, for the first time I'm actually looking forward to seeing what will come.

Hearts and Minds

I've always thought of myself as a pretty good friend. I genuinely care about the people I am lucky enough to call friends, and want the very best for them. I try to be there whenever needed for whatever purpose. It makes me happy to do so.

A good girlfriend, I am not. Honestly, relationships sort of scare the crap out of me. I can be happily going along in a flirty bliss with someone and then the second the "R" word is mentioned I completely shut down. I go a little nuts, to be exact.

I suppose that's why I've always preferred to be on my own. I like my life, I like being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I've never felt like I needed to get married and have kids to be happy (although it would most definitely make my mother happy).

Perhaps that's why relationships freak me out so much, I'm just afraid of losing myself in another person. I'm afraid that I will have to sacrifice parts of myself that I really don't want to. It's likely unfair of me to think that another person would want me to sacrifice parts of myself for a relationship, but that's just the way my mind works.

This rather annoying character trait is often at odds with my heart. Many times, I've found myself in the beginning of something that seems completely wonderful and exactly what I want, only to then be inundated with thoughts of all that's wrong about the situation or how I feel.

Like so many other things about this brain I've been strapped with, it's completely frustrating and I'm trying to work through it.

Hopefully one day I'll get it right and for once my mind won't sabotage whatever my heart desires.

One of Them

I'm lucky to have had some wonderful friends in my life. I've also had some pretty crappy friends in my lifetime, but I think most can people can say that. And seeing as they were crappy, we're just going to forget about them, for this post is about the good ones.

Even though these people were all very good friends, I always had this nagging feeling that they really just didn't "get me" completely. To be honest, I generally put this down to the fact that I can be cautious when sharing what I'm thinking. I love these people dearly, but I often feared their reactions to what was going on in my brain. I just never felt comfortable enough to share it all with them. Whether or not they would have had adverse reactions to my nonsense, I don't really know, and perhaps it is a disservice to them that I never tried.

In any case, my mind believed that perhaps there just weren't people out there that I would ever truly think "got me".

My mind was wrong.

It was a sunny day in August, I think. (Okay so I don't really know if it was sunny, but it was August so odds are it was. I'm also really hoping it was actually August and not July, if it was, I apologize for not remembering correctly.) Anyway, on this particular day (it was a Tuesday, that I know for a fact!), I was participating in this thing called #turnthepage Tuesday, where you recommend books to others. I was pretty new to Twitter at this point, and really hadn't engaged with a lot of people yet (I'm a bit shy). However, as I looked over the recommendations from people I'd never met, one jumped out at me immediately. It was a recommendation for "The Picture of Dorian Gray", one of my favorite books.

I honestly cannot tell you why, on that day, I decided to forgo my usual self-imposed invisibility and send a message to this particular recommmender. But, I can honestly tell you, it's one of the best things I've ever done.

The lovely lady, that for some reason I was compelled to reach out to has become one of the most important people in my life. And even though I've never actually met her, (I truly hope someday I will), I feel a camaraderie with her unlike any I've really known.

She has been there to listen to my endless whining, to talk me down from my overthinking, panicky moments, and to just be a friend when I felt like hiding from the world. Her bravery, strength and endless eloquence have all inspired me in countless ways.

I've met many wonderful people through this curious thing known as Twitter, and I truly believe that one of them is a person who actually "gets me".

Her name is Nicole. And, I only hope that I have been as good a friend to her as she has been to me.

Three Minutes

The following actually occurred on Thursday, January 28, 2010...

Three minutes ago I had an epiphany. The entire epiphanous thought lasted about three minutes. (A long thought, I know) So what was this grand epiphany, you ask?

I'm tired. I'm tired of caring about what other people think. I'm tired of worrying about how what I do or say will be seen by others. So taking a page out of that happy little book I'm reading, I say F**k-It!

So what if I happen to be flirty with a guy on Twitter. So what if people think there's something going on there. He's quite lovely and I do like him. He makes me laugh, and that's rare. Few things make me laugh. Really laugh. I'm too bundled up in anxiety for that.

I can't control everything (although I'd really like to). I especially can't control what other people think. I suppose I could stop talking to the particular person with whom my conversations seem to elicit such responses from others. That would certainly stop people from thinking about it. But I really don't want to do that.

So, basically I am going to do whatever makes me happy. And if other people see it and read it and feel like teasing me about it, so be it. I'm a grown-up now, I do suppose it's time I started acting like one.


Did it take three minutes for you to read this???

Par Avion

I love spas. I love everything about spas. I even love how they smell of tranquility as soon as you walk in the doors. It's an oasis of relaxation amidst a crazy world. I try and go a few times a year when things get a bit out of sorts.

It often happens this time of year. January in Ohio is cold and gray. Like most people I find cold and gray to be a bit depressing. I'm not nearly as affected by it as some, but I do get the normal winter blahs. January also happens to be the month when we hit the midpoint of the school year, and that means paperwork, lots of paperwork. I really dislike paperwork!

At any rate, I made a comment a week or two ago about needing a spa day. Apparently, I wasn't the only one in need of a spa day because I heard from several people! One that really piqued my interest was a Twitter follower (thank you @pontecarloblue!) who sent me a link to a place she said she thought she needed a week at - The Hill That Breathes. Mere words cannot describe how much I want to go to this place!

I would gleefully sign up for any of the programs (there's even a writing one!) that The Hill offers. However, the one I think I need the most is the "F**k-It Week". That sounds like pure bliss.

I've never been good at saying 'no'. I like the people around me to be happy, so more often than not, I find myself taking on things I really don't have the time or energy to do. Add to that the fact that my body doesn't deal well with stress and you've got the reason I need to try and say those two little words! :)

As I don't actually live in Italy and I can't just drop everything and go, I'm not getting there anytime soon. Imagine my happiness to find that they released the main ideas of the retreat in a book! I've never really been a big fan of the self-help book, as I sorely lack the discipline to actually follow-through on anything I've read. But I thought, what the heck, let's give it a try!

So off I went to see if I could find this magical book locally. Well, of course not, that would be far too easy. Turns out the little book I desired won't be available in the U.S. until July. Those who know me know that I'm not nearly patient enough to wait until July. Luckily for me, it's almost just as easy to get something from a far away land as it is to get something from down the street.

The book arrived today in a neat little white package. In the corner there's a sticker. I'm betting you can guess what the sticker says. Par Avion. Thank you Air Mail. :)

A little side note: For those of you keeping track in mine and V's blog challenge, I've included links to your right ----> to all of our posts, and I will do my best to keep it current.

Thanks :)