I'm a runner...in every sense of the word.
Firstly, in the physical sense, I love to run. My mind can often be my worst enemy, a cruel and spiteful voice screaming from within. No one has ever been meaner to me than I have been to myself (well, maybe a few people). Likewise, no one has ever thought worse about me than I do (except possibly that guy from 2001, but that's another story).
The point is, I'm exceedingly hard on myself and more often than not I find myself in a battle to understand that I'm not nearly as terrible as I think I am. This is when I love to run the most. There is something a bit euphoric about having a clear mind, free from the constant deluge of harrowing thoughts. And that's what happens when I run. It's a peaceful bliss I rarely find elsewhere. It's also a nice escape from screaming children and blocks being bounced off one's head. I love my job, but it can be complete torture even on the best of days!
The second type of running I do isn't anywhere near as good as the first. In fact, it's often the cause of those evil thoughts that spur me to clear my head. I run from conflict - all kinds of conflict. Apparently when my DNA was being formed those thirty-one odd years ago the fight part of my fight or flight response was misplaced. (If anyone reading this is in possession of my fight response, I'd love to have it back, thanks!)
I do not deal well in conflict situations at all. When conflict strikes in a relationship, I tend to bolt. I can't get away fast enough. I'm not sure if it's because I'm always embroiled in conflict with myself that I just don't have the energy or will to duke it out with others, or that I'm just a bit weak. My evil mind would likely choose the latter, well, because it's evil like that :).
It's this second type of running that has inspired this blog post.
These past few weeks I have encountered a bit of conflict in the world of Twitter, a place I have come to consider a normally happy part of my life. There are some persons who apparently thrive on causing conflict and spewing hatred. It's easy enough, I suppose, to say vicious things to people you cannot actually see, to hide behind the anonymity of a computer screen.
So the other day when an 'attack' of this nature occurred to myself and a lovely friend, I did what I always do...nothing. I quietly hid and watched it all horrifically unfold.
I cannot tell you how angry this made me at myself, how that little damning voice inside my head screamed at my cowardice.
The next morning, I went for a run...
Sunday, January 24, 2010
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7 comments:
Oh my goodness! I didn't know that you were being attacked on Twitter!
I think that the best thing one can do on Twitter is to not engage with hateful people. Ignore them and their diatribe, hard as that is. If not, it will be a back and forth public frustration.
People who love to cause conflict and spew hatred THRIVE on getting attention, on knowing that they've rattled you.
You're not a coward. Just a lovely young woman with a very good heart, great writing skills, and--apparently--enviable running abilities! xxx
Knowing full well which Twitcident you have referenced, I know that you did not do "nothing." You made your responses and did not give the troll in question the fodder he wanted. Trolls: nothing can be said that they can't ignore or manipulate, because they're always right. Even if you agree with them, you're still much less worthy a person than they are.
Unlike aforementioned trolls, you are an intelligent, considerate, and beautiful person. It pains me to know what you go through because as you so rightly say, it's you who (erroneously) sees the bad in you. Despite recognizing it, it still shakes you down. I know it's not easy.
Confrontation, too, is never easy, but running away isn't always a bad thing. You just need to be sure that it's the best thing for you. I hope that you can start to see the good in you - or at least see it more often. I certainly see it daily!
But then again, what do I know?
I'm a moron, and not half as clever as I think I am. (Actually, I've had it checked. I'm one-third as clever as I think I am. Oops.)
Much love - "V" xx
p.s. Baaaaaaa.
Aaargghhhh! Blogger ate my comment. What did I say? Here's the gist of it: I thought your blog was well worth waiting for, Robin: honest, well-written and brave. I like how you brought the physical and mental together and leapt from the real to the metaphorical. I hate to think of you being driven from Twitter by evil people. Lying low was what you had to do, Nic's right, so don't beat yourself up about it! And you came back! There's courage, Robin's Brain: look no further.
We can be our worst enemies that's for sure!! it is so easy to find mistakes, errors, malfunctions and other "bad things" about us; I can relate to that!! Insecurities filled my mind with poor adjectives towards me. And it was so easy for other ppl to break me. just any negative word describing me could pulled me down. But someone said me once: "they arent pulling u down...u are the one who's doing it...why u let other insignificant ppl to destroy u?, cause u are the only one who are given them the power to do it" those words were a shock to me, but solid truth!!
Knowing u from twitter, even as elusive (some ppl may think) can be knowing a person from it! I can only have positive adjectives to describe u!!Don't let insignificant ppl to disturb you!! just a coward use anonymity to attack others!!
Twitter has been for me a place where I've found amazing souls!! and you are one of the most kind and talented!! and yes fuffiest haha.
Love u sister!
Vero
I'm not sure what I can say here that hasn't already been said in the previous comments with the exception being that they're right.
I pride myself on my ability to maintain friendships with wonderful people and I consider myself extremely lucky to count you among them. I don't know what happened to cause you to lie low on Twitter. I'm not sure I want to but you have a very rare and amazing talent. You have the ability to make people smile through words.
That being said, you're negative thoughts and criticisms of yourself are nothing short of human. Everyone has them and they can be draining. I've been there and I know there is a way out. Your writing is a giant step in the right direction and I will do anything that I can do to support you in this most fulfilling of activities.
I didn't know about the Twitter incident that you refer to, but it must have been bad to have had that effect on you. Why these internet trolls do it is beyond me. Perhaps it's jealousy of others popularity, or resentment that their own scintillating wit and wisdom doesn't receive the rapturous recognition they think it deserves? Both the above, fuelled by alcohol? Who knows, but you did absoluely the right thing by not engaging in confrontation. The only way to deal with obnoxious online feckwits, is to completely ignore them, and just leave them to broil in their own bile. If they can't get a rise out of someone, they just move on to the next unsuspecting target.
Don't beat yourself up about being a nice person with common sense, you have nothing to reproach yourself for. The only coward in such a scenario is the cyber-bully.
Thank you for an excellent blog, one that I found at once absorbing and moving.
Derry
xx
I am quite in ignorance of the Twitter Incident (Twittcident?!).
All I can comment on is my impression of you since I became aware of you as a twitter presence.
I have been tweeting for over a year now, but only really in earnest, for the past few months. In that time there have been a few standout individuals who have welcomed me to the twitter community, with open arms!
You, dear lady are among them!
For that you have my deepest thanks!
I chose this specific blog to comment on first, because it rang plenty of bells for me.
In honesty I don’t like physical running.
However, I empathise distinctly with being hard on oneself!!
I do the exact same thing, in even the most innocuous of situations. I tend to do ALL the running through my mind, searching for reasons to accept myself, or my behaviour!!
The only other difference is that I find it hard to run from conflict.
I think I have an over developed sense of the right/wrong black/white arguments and I will steadfastly defend a position/standpoint, sometimes to my detriment!!
I have had the displeasure to deal with plenty of negative and ignorant oiks in my time. I can tell you that their opinion counts for little.
The only satisfaction they get is not from knowing they are right, but from knowing they have got under someone’s skin!
Fret not!
OK Think I may have got a little carried away. So must finish.
Great post of great blog!
Keep it up!
If you describe many more of my character traits, I'll start getting worried! ;oP
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